some jokes

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

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i’m at a bit of a loss as to what to do. This maybe a strange place to flag such a personal matter up but you seem like a pretty level headed lot so I thought I’d cast the net and see what advice I got.

Ok, deep breath…..

For sometime now I've suspected that my wife may be cheating. You know the sort of thing. The phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.

Recently she has started going out 'with the girls' a lot and when I ask which girls it's always "Just some friends, you don't know them".

I always used to keep an eye out for her taxi coming home but now she always walks up to the house although I can hear a carsetting off as if she has just got out of one around the corner.

The other day I picked up her mobile, just to see what time it was, and she went nuts, screaming at me that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with her. I kind of think deep down I don't really want to know the truth. But then last night she went out again and I decided that I would check up on her.

Around the time she was due home I decided to hide behind my car which I knew would give me a good view of the whole street so I could see which car she got out of on her return.

It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed a scrape around my rear wheel arch.

So, …. do you think I should take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself???

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Mr and Mrs Blooby are in bed, Mrs Blooby says blib blob bibble bob. Mr Blooby say Forgod sake, just swallow it

A rampant rabbit might be a womans best friend but it doesnt get the drinks in

Why the hell is Krusty Krab in Bikini Bottom? Thats just bleeping disgusting

Whats worse than waking up with pubes in your teeth? Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging from your mouth

Why is midget porn on the top shelf?

True fact; A male blue whale ejaculates 40,000 gallons of sperm during mating, but only 10,000 gallons of that ends up in the female... And you wonder why the sea is so salty

When the toilet seat is up, a man can urinate with military percission, when someone leaves it down, they go like an epelepticat a disco... A lesson to be learnt here ladies?

If you are riding a horse full speed, there is a girrafe beside you and a lion chasing you, what do you do? Get your drunk arse off the merry-go-round

My girlfriend was trying to think of a new password today, so i lent across and typed in MYPENIS. Two hours it took me to get her to stop laughing when a box appeared saying it wasnt long enough

Does anyone know where i can get a new alarm clock? My old one keeps waking me up.

OK, who was the first person to sit there and say "Hmm, that hen has just had a wierd shaped poo, i wonder what it tastes like...

Also, what was the first person to discover that a cows udders can be used for milking, and WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

When there is a knock at the door, why does your dog always assume its for them?

Why do Kamakazi pilots wear crash helmets?

Is anyone else curious as to just how big a whales fart bubbles are?

Isnt it amazing, if someone tells you that there are 100 million stars in space, you believe them, yet if you see a sign saying "wet paint" you just HAVE to check

I was walking home last night when a chav jumped out a drew a knife on me. The little Sh*t used permanant marker and its impossible to get off

I bought a goldfish today, taking it back tomorrow though because i think its epyleptic... Although,its fine when its in the bowl

Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door

I got banned from B&Q today, some spotty teenager in an orange apron came up to me and asked if i wanted decking.Luckily, i got the first punch

Two pregnant Irish women knitting. !st one says "i hope mine is a girl, iv used pink wool." 2nd one says "i hope mine is a spastic because iv fu*ked up the arms

Whats the difference between a womanand a fridge? A fridge doesnt fart when you pull your meat out

If toast always lands butter side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if i strap a piece of toast to my cat and throw it out the window... here tiddles

The man who wrote the hokey cokey died last week, they had a hell of a job getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in, his left leg out...

OK, i admit it, I let the dogs out

Bill and Ben are in the bath, bill says "Flobberdobbadobber". Ben says "If that smells, im getting out"

You wouldnt wear shoes if you didnt have feet so why the hell are you wearing a bra?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harrasment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man,its £1.50 aminute

I had a wet dream about my ex last night. She got hit by a bus and i peed myself laughing

It said in the paper today that thepolice are looking for a racist attacker. I rang the number but apparentlyit wasnt a job advert.

Thats your lot, its 2.30 am, im tired and i have to be up for work at 8, its so not gonna happen lol

Sod it, one last fag...

Next time you park on double yellow lines, avoid a parking ticket by leaving your wipers on the fastest setting... It works

Next time you are out shopping, go into the changing room, bang on the walls and yell out very loudly "I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER"

I think iv got swine flu, i woke up this morning and i felt like a bacon sandwich

I bought a deoderant stick today, but iv never had one before so i read the instuctions. Remove top and slowly push up bottom. Im in casulty but my farts smell lovely

British rail are at it again. The sign clearly said if i stand close to the edge i may get sucked off... Well that was four hours wasted

Iv just bought a race horse and called it My Face. Doubt it'l be a winner but who cares, bring on ladies day, 10,000 women shouting Come On... My Face. Worth every penny

__________/\_____\o/________ Shark attack, arrrgggghhhhhh

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On Sky news today.....Anyone heard about the dwarf shortage in England at the moment?

The B&Q one is funny, been caught out by the cheating girlfriend one before!

i like the merry go round & mypenis password ones lol

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.

I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted